Blues for Persephone

This is a photo of one of my crow friends.

The wonderful thing about nature is that it doesn’t lie. These crows are around when there’s food and they appreciate me for giving them unsalted shelled peanuts from time to time. They are reliable, if sometimes noisy, and they don’t want to convince me that I’m crazy because I call out their abusive behaviors.

I am so grateful for the few kind and caring people I’ve found. Without them I would probably have had to find homes for my fur babies and would be living in my car somewhere worried about having enough $ for gas so I could move it to keep from getting towed.

I had no control over my mom’s illness, her death, the timing, or where I found myself when she died. For the rest of my life I will regret where I was when it happened. It made me regret all of my life choices from the time I left my undergrad until now.

Why did I choose a career where I knew no one would value me?

At the time it was because I wanted to help the people being crushed by the system who I knew were not being valued. I imagined that with the little power I could have as a teacher I could advocate for helping more than hurting. I hoped that I could effect some change that would be meaningful and that I could protect others from the soul crushing assumptions of those who fear the empowerment of others.

Turns out I was wrong.

At least, I was wrong about some of it. When I was in the classroom I could come to the defense of the children in my room. I could stand up to parents and teachers and administrators who actively worked against the empowerment and liberation of the vulnerable, the different, the creative, the ones who didn’t make them look good or feel good and who challenged their misconceptions about pretty much everything.

I love those kids. They are my people.

I approach everything I do with such tremendous love and care. I don’t like to do anything without including everyone. I will defend even those I don’t like because I truly believe that when we value everyone we all win.

Not the case with our existing systems. The existing systems reward shady, exclusionary, selfish, callous, unempathetic, and evasive behaviors. Back room deals and currying favor to promote themselves, lying to cover it up, and gaslighting those who would confront the corruption is standard operating procedure and has been the culture of the places I’ve worked for the 20 years I’ve spent in K-12 education.

It’s not funny but I look back and laugh sadly as I remember how earnest I was at first.

I believed that if I could just get the ear of the masses I could show them how kindness and concern for the welfare of others would help us all. That failed.

I believed that if I could get into a position of some power that I could wield that power to empower others. That failed.

I believed that if I could just say the right thing I could convince people to stop fighting over resources and start sharing. That failed.

When my mom died I found myself in a world where kindness was rare and was spit on whenever it was highlighted.

I found kind people here and there but they were in the same position I was and I was not able to support them because I was barely making it through each day.

My boss saw my vulnerability and decided to ride me harder and shove me to my knees every chance she got. She decided to call it support so that I could not argue or stand up for myself.

When my mom died I found myself surrounded by coworkers who had been responding to my attempts to share with them, to include them, with hostility and exclusion. When I found opportunities for training or participation in things that they valued, I shared the information with them. One of the managers tried to write me up for it. If it hadn’t been for my direct supervisor standing up for me he would have.

They knew where my skill and interests were and when they were invited to trainings or opportunities they invited each other and left me out. It all came to light after my mom died. I was alone and I was devastated and they sneered at me when I made mistakes, they accused me of being unprofessional and unkind when I spoke up against the way they treated me.

At probably the worst moment of my life I found myself having to force myself to walk into a place where I was met with cruelty, where I was forced to hurt myself to satisfy the controlling power hoarding needs of those with more power than I have.

At the time when I needed community and care and support I was scolded, and insulted, and excluded, and met with only rejection. For the rest of my life I will regret that was how it went down. I will always wonder what I did wrong to end up there. All I’ve done my whole life is try to help. All I’ve done is love and struggle to empower those without power or with less power than I have.

And now I just want to stay home with my fur babies. I can’t see any way to find the community I needed and still need.

I find joy and inspiration and kindness in small places with someone here and someone there. I feel like a ship that no one will allow to dock. Like the barge of garbage that wasn’t allowed to stop anywhere.

I am so grateful for the few kind and caring people I’ve found. Without them and without knowing that my fur babies need me, I would long ago have gone to a cold beach and sat there until I fell asleep for the last time. That sounds so restful.