Death and Dying | Blues for Persephone

Writing this now is extremely difficult for me but on the chance that it will help someone I want to navigate the pain. I don’t want to hurt myself, even though that’s been my way of coping with stress and shame and loss. I want to clarify my thoughts so that what I know might help you. I plan to write out the whole story for anyone who wants to read the whole thing but if you’re in a hurry or don’t like my writing style, here is a list.

Admittedly, it will be different for everyone but there are some consistent themes.

Here’s my bullet point list:

Get a second opinion. Maybe get a third opinion. If something doesn’t feel right DO NOT BE AFRAID to challenge the doctors. They may have developed a very aggressive way of being to get through medical school but that doesn’t mean your intuition is wrong!
It is NEVER too soon to start planning your funeral. If the person with a cancer diagnosis or other serious disease is not ready to talk about it, there are death doulas and therapists who specialize in working with fear to allow a person to look honestly at planning for the worst. We all die. It’s never too early!
Look at all of the options for final disposition of remains. Home funerals are legal in some places. There are more environmentally friendly methods if you are interested in lowering your impact. There are so many advances and options. The Order of the Good Death is an excellent starting place.
That said, make sure anyone who might be in a position of having to make medical or funeral decisions has access to any and all necessary paperwork. DO NOT leave them hanging. It is a terrible position to be in to have a doctor ask you if they should resuscitate your loved one when you don’t know what they wanted when they wrote their directive.

A little less than two months ago by mother died earlier than I expected.

It was a shock to my entire system. Everything I was and everything I knew fell to ruins around me. I’ve studied grieving and trauma and have lots of psychology of resilience strategies and it didn’t matter. A lot of that is because I’m alone in this world. Community is so important at times like that. I don’t have one of those.

Since then I’ve been in conversation with many colleagues and friends who have asked me to write something to help guide others through this challenging experience. I’ve made so many mistakes and have so many regrets and I don’t want you to have those so I’m going to take a chance and write this blog in hope that whoever reads this will learn from or feel supported by my choice to share my experience.

I could start at the end and give you a list but I’m going to start at the beginning.

In October of 2015 my mother diagnosed herself with breast cancer. When I say she diagnosed herself I mean that, as a registered nurse, she saw something on a medical image for something unrelated and recognized it as an unusual mass. She brought her observation to her doctor and the journey began.

Hers was not the most aggressive breast cancer. It was only stage 2 so I thought, “She’s tough, she’ll kick this thing’s ass.” I was wrong. My gut reaction was to think she was going to die but she reassured me (the way her family always does by pretending it’s not that serious when it actually is that serious) that she would be fine and would live a very long time. When I told her I was worried that if I died no one would take care of my fur babies, she said, “I’ll take them.” and I, of course, said, “Mom, they might live another ten years.” She insisted that she would be around for the rest of their lives. I decided to believe that.

I wish now that I had allowed myself to consider the reality of breast cancer. I wish I’d done more research. I wish so many things but there’s no going back. That’s the most important thing. THERE IS NO GOING BACK. Don’t second guess yourself. Don’t think someone else knows better. Follow your intuition. Intuition is gut plus experience. Follow it without hesitation and without apology because in the end when you look back you will be able to say, “I did what I deep down in the bottom of my soul believed was right.” That’s the best possible outcome.

When my mom called to tell me she had cancer, I was in an abusive relationship with someone who was struggling with serious mental illness and I had just taken on a new job that appeared to be perfect for me but had, by then, taken a truly harrowing turn.

Things were all around horrid for me and I was struggling to stay alive. I was not capable of being fully awake to my present condition much less of considering the reality that my mom, who had been my only source of emotional support for as long as I could remember, might not be here any more.

Instead of facing it, I was only able to get through the next fifteen minutes. I didn’t do a good job of supporting her. Many other issues in our family made it hard for me to go visit and my own issues made it hard for me to support her with all of the medical details. Nonetheless, I couldn’t get my head around it so I did what I could. That’s all you can do.

If you’re in it now, please be kind to yourself. If you over extend yourself now you may not have it to give later.

Look for the post tagged “bullet list” and the one called “Resources” if you don’t want to read the whole story.

Blues for Persephone

Category: Death and Dying

Where Do We Go From Here?

Posted at 9:18 pm by bluesforpersephone, on June 6, 2018

The Beginning

Posted at 8:01 pm by bluesforpersephone, on May 3, 2018

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